Time

I can't always remember the exact days, nor can I always recall the setting.
The only thing I can distinctly remember, and all I need to remember, is that feeling,
That realization I return to in my truest moments of clarity.

We have a tendency to get caught up in things that, ultimately, are of little importance.
It can be easy to lose sight of the critical things in life, to become blind to the answers that lie right in front of you.
It happens to me all of the time, but sooner or later, I stumble upon that familiar truth (or at least it seems true enough to me), and that is that despite how it often seems not to be the case, time is our friend, and not our enemy.

When I'm able to recognize that time is on my side, those are the moments when I truly love life the most.

A Dream

What a beautiful dream I had last night.
The emotions felt so powerful, the imagery is still so sharp.
That smile seemed so real.

But it was only a dream.

Love

I love my life.
I love the way I live it.
And I love the people who are a part of it,
the people who shape it, the people who define it,
the people who make it worth living.

When Pencil Meets Paper

Just a little stream of consciousness session I had a few weeks back, decided I'd post it.

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Free thinking, thoughts flowing down my arm and to my fingertips,
The pencil is on the page, and its motion should remain continuous,
The train is coming, so lay the tracks down.
I look out the window and see a dreary, rainy night.
Empty sidewalks, guess no one has a reason to leave their room and head elsewhere.
Neither do I.

Stationed at my desk, headphones on, monitor displaying dazzling colors and patterns.
I get lost in the colors, the lines, the circles, the swirls, the fluid motion.
Not much else to do in these situations but let the mind wander.
The urge to create is intense.
Whether to arrive at some new perspective or outlook,
to find that perfect blend of notes to create new music,
to find a way to convert the kaleidoscope of thoughts into words.
That last one I tend to do a bit more delicately, but perhaps breaking down the barriers and letting the words spill out unchallenged will provide something new, something fresh.

Random thought, but I have been noticing the beauty of life more and more these days,
The irony of certain situations, the subtle humor life sends your way,
The sequences of daily comfort, stressful situations, and personal escapes.
It's such a fascinating life we all live.
Spinning our spider web and connecting ourselves to the other souls we deem important.
The feelings and emotions we attach to everything, it is all so intriguing.
We move through life with a certain sense of entitlement, as if the world owes us, but really we are entitled to nothing.
We simply have the option to observe, to ponder, to create,
and in turn, we construct whatever little picture of the world we want.
Life is just a constant attempt to make the picture you are most comfortable with,
The one that seems to make the most sense.

You know, I just broke the rule.
The pencil left the paper, I stopped and took a quick read of what I've said.
"I bet this will sound like jumbled chaos," was what I was thinking.
And it kind of did.
But still, their seemed like a sense of continuity to it.
I suppose I would see the correlation between it all,
These are my thoughts after all.
At times, I wonder if others are able to see what I see.
I like to think that  I can find the correct words to convey the thoughts in my head;  I have been trying to at least.
As much as the thoughts are my own and can never truly be anyone else's, I feel it is essential to share the thoughts and ideas you deem most critical.
It gives others a deeper look into who you are, an opportunity to see past the surface that is all the average eye sees.

There is such a collection of people out there, the diversity is beyond comprehension.
Beyond, there lies a universe of a size that is vastly beyond reckoning.
Phenomena of an order past our ability to understand happen at all times throughout our evolving cosmos.
Yet every atom, every gaseous, nebulous cloud, each star within each galaxy within each cluster, every particle, every chunk of rock, every life form, every mind is all bound together by some illusive cosmic glue.
I have felt it, we are all it, and hopefully one day we will all have the power to recognize it.
At times, it tries to reveal itself to us, and yet we fight it, we desperately resist it, that thing which is so powerful it is almost overwhelming.
But one day, it WILL overwhelm us.
It will lose its patience and will make itself known to all.
And when it does, love will prosper.

My head is like a pinball machine, thoughts bouncing all over the place.
I try to connect the dots, but keeping up sometimes seems futile.
That is why I feel it may be best to not even try.
It is impossible to follow a specific, direct line of thoughts to the answer you are truly looking to find.
All you can expect and hope for is a general transformation of your thinking over time, a noticeable movement of ideas toward something, a trend line that points somewhere.
You cannot actually reach it, but in the end, do you really want to?
Life is about the search, a search that fails to end.
Surely finding the answers would leave life a bit stale.
It would fill our lives with a certain stagnation that we wish to avoid.
We crave progression, so it's a good thing that life consistently progresses and moves forward without asking if we mind.

I suppose there has been something rather refreshing about this.
A nice little personal adventure of spontaneous creativity.
No worries of making sure my ideas are well-sculpted and presentable to the outside world.
No eyes that observe what I do and need to be satisfied.
No need to even really satisfy myself.
Just an attempt to find a more fulfilling way to spend some free time.
In a way, it has been therapeutic.
I feel at ease and very content with myself, my life, and my surroundings.
Life will move forward from here, and I will have the opportunity to take something away from each new experience, even the bad ones.
Especially the bad ones.
All knowledge is beautiful if you simply let it be.
One particular piece of knowledge has become increasingly apparent for me in recent months.
Life is beautiful, we are all connected in some way, and love is plentiful.
So wherever you are, there is no need to worry.
You will find love, and that's if it doesn't find you first.

I am finding that I can do this without end, but perhaps it may be time to stop.
I have managed to express many things that were taking refuge in my head.
I feel a certain sense of clarity, something I am not all too familiar with.
Time to let things get cluttered up there again, until it becomes time for them to burst out and emerge to the outside world, where they will then float, float, float, float, float, float, float away...
AND
RADIATE

Knowledge Bomb

"Essentially this is what must be developed—the art of giving out in love and intelligence what is taken in from vision and the experience of self-transcendence and solidarity with the Universe"

-Aldous Huxley

Compelled

I feel such an intense urge to create,
I'm so immersed in Beauty.
I see It in Everything.
And I just want to make sure everyone else does too.

A Final Thought for the Night

I have a lot of things swimming around in my head, a wide variety of thoughts.
Some of them are free to the public.
Others are still maturing, but in time will be revealed.
Some are highly confidential, but can find their way out under the right circumstances.
And a select few are locked away deep somewhere in my head.
I don't know exactly what they are, but I can feel them.
They have certainly made their presence known.
The problem is, I can't quite get at them, for I have lost the key.
But I'm hoping to stumble upon the person who has found it.


Just something that popped into my head as I was preparing to go to sleep. Figured I'd post it before it got locked away too.

Just Another Night

The music, oh what great music there was tonight.
A smile on my face, a feeling in my gut, my fingers moving to and fro across the fret board.
The tips of my fingers feel sore as I type, I haven't played so intensely in a while.

The words, oh what powerful words I read tonight.
A conclusion to a wonderful story, a message left resonating in my head, my thoughts racing and my neurons firing.
My head nearly begins to ache, too many late night musings off of too little sleep.

This emotion, oh this familiar emotion I feel tonight.
A desire for something more, a longing to break through this veil, to make that plunge and take the next step.
My body can barely contain it, such an immense warmth clinging to my skin.

My inspiration is high.

My eyes are wide.

My heart and mind are open.

I can't yet touch it, but I can feel it, a little stronger than last time.

And I truly, sincerely believe that it may at last be within my grasp.

That thing, oh that illusive thing I've been craving every night.
A glimmer of it here, a whisper of it there, another subtle hint that leads me further down the rabbit hole.
My gut tells me I've picked up on its trail and I'm gaining on it.

Just need to push farther, reach, strain, accelerate, until....(!!!!)

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Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking.
Maybe I've been up dreaming too long, like every other night.

I guess that makes it time to go to sleep.

What to Say

There's no point in getting too picky with my word choice at this hour.
I often find myself struggling to choose the right words (if they even exist) when it comes to this subject anyway.

Full of such energy, such passion;
She'll leave you behind if you can't keep up,
But she has so much to offer if you can keep your feet.

She's about as much as I can handle, if not more so;
I can't imagine trying to present her to anyone else (they wouldn't even be remotely prepared).

She can handle it all. And then some.
She's a warrior, and a trip and a half (likely more).

I have such special images of her floating in my head;
The image of a pretty smile and a mesmerized gaze from across the camp fire,
The thought of her energy as she gyrates with high octane intensity (such a joy to watch),
The look on her face that I could only discern from the lighting in the venue.

I'm happy enough just knowing that someone like this exists;
Each moment I spend with her is just an extra bonus.

I've learned a great deal in these past 6-8 months (about myself, about others, about everything...)
You've been a unique part of it, and I'm certain you have more to offer.

A Learned Man

Some might describe me as an intellectual, an academic. In the eyes of some I'm simply a compilation of accolades, awards, and certificates of recognition. I've been dubbed a "human calculator" on many occasions (we are all human calculators, some just happen to work better than others).

I study mathematics, a field that has a habit of making most people cringe and stay away (I can't say I blame them). Yet, I feel fortunate that my passion lies in this area, as it seems so intrinsic to the world that surrounds us.

I often find myself almost feeling bad for other people. To think, they don't have the opportunity to witness the world in the same beautiful way I do! Perhaps people of all types and backgrounds feel this way. We all have our own personal window to the world, and at times we wonder how these windows might differ. That in itself is a beautiful thing to me.

It's funny how natural it is to make the leap from intelligence to one's particular area of study in the classroom. Intellect has a tendency to get linked with academia and school-taught education, and yet I've done my most significant learning in settings that lie outside of the classroom.

Certainly, a whole host of brilliant educators have taught me a great deal of things and shared their knowledge with me. Still, what I've learned on my own I consider far more important and insightful. Above all else, I've learned enough to realize that I know nothing.

And I'm trying to change that.

The Light that Slays the Darkness

I want to be hopeless,
in a fight I can't possibly win,
in a situation where I'll be made to surrender.

I want to be outside of "me," whatever "I" am in the first place,
to see with my two windows to the world the All that I know I'm a part of.

I want to silence my ego,
I've heard enough of what it has to say.
I'd much rather replace the noise it makes with the beautiful sounds of the sheet music.

I want the light to shine and show me what I know lies hidden in front of me,
to allow my senses to realize at least a glimpse of their full potential.

The Light that Slays the Darkness.

"Soul Searching"

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately,
Thinking about myself, prodding away at my own mind,
Trying to chip away to find what lies beneath the surface.
Soul searching some might call it, but you need a soul to do that.
I'm not so sure I have one, or that anyone does for that matter.

Or at least I wasn't so sure.

I've learned a great deal about myself recently.
I have a greater appreciation for who I am, I have found my happiness.
Most importantly, I have come to my own spiritual revelation of sorts.
For the first time, I truly feel that there is something separate from the body,
Some consciousness that exists independently from the body,
Something that permeates beyond just the physical self.

I suppose now I've found that soul of mine.

Time to unearth what secrets it's been keeping from me.

Pause. Deep Breath. Exhale.

So much to do, no time to relax, no time to reflect.

External pressures are abundant, and they are compounded with the internal pressures I create in such situations.

It builds, and builds, and I all you can do is wait for that feeling, that release.

And now it's over, and all is well.

I live for times like these.

More Nonsense

Sometimes I feel like I have a wealth of thoughts that deserve to be heard.
Not only deserve to, but dammit they should be heard.
It's like I have some kind of hidden truth that I should present to others.
That's a pretty elitist thing to say though, so I'll take that back. That's not really it.
I just have some interesting thoughts, and sometimes interesting thoughts should be expressed.
My problem is that I don't always know how to express them.
Fuck that. That's not it.
That's not it at all.
My problem is that I just don't bother to express them even if I think I should.
Maybe I should start expressing them (wasn't that the point of this blog, not to just post random bullshit like I've been doing this past hour?)

Random Streaming

I was walking back to my room the other night.
It was particularly cold outside and I wasn't particularly dressed for the occasion.
Yet I have always had the ability to block out the cold, just not focus my attention on it.
It's like creating this artificial warmth that envelopes me, if only for the brief walk back to my room.
Or maybe I'm just numb to the cold (or is the cold making me numb? I suppose it's irrelevant...)

While this is going on, it occurs to me that I can't apply this same technique anywhere else.
If I'm lonely, I can't just pretend you're here (I've tried and it never works, and so I've stopped trying.)
Come to think of it, I guess that's really one of the only situations where that technique doesn't work.
But how I wish it did work in that situation.
I'd trade a thousand freezing walks in the cold for your warmth, which certainly isn't artificial.
It's as natural as I can imagine, you don't even need to try.

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(I guess a string of periods is as good of a way to separate disjoint lines of thought as any...)

I've said this for a while (I guess not really said it, but I've certainly thought it), but music really is my passion.
And I really mean that; I feel like people say it way too often and they don't really mean it.
Just because you like to blast music in your room doesn't mean it's your passion.
You might be able to hear it, but that doesn't mean you're listening to it.
You want to know if music is really at your core?
Turn the volume down, play it really soft.
It should still feel just as loud to you, it should still hit you just as hard.
Even music at the lowest of volumes can take physical manifestation in my head.
It's like a mountain that I can't scale, but damn do I love the climb.
Hell, just turn the music off completely, if it means something to you then you should still hear it anyway.

I've found myself getting lost in music quite often recently, but that's a great place to be lost.
It really isn't fair to say I'm lost either when I'm more than happy to be there.
It's even more unfair to call it lost when generally that's where I'm trying to get to.
And yet lost just seems to make sense.
Perhaps engulfed would be a better choice of vernacular.
It's like the moment after a towering tidal wave crashes down on the shore and sweeps you in.
You can try to fight it, but it's worthless, you're at the whim of the water, if only for those few moments.
I try to stretch those moments into minutes, hours even.
I don't want to just get caught in the undertow, I want to get sucked in and end up lost at sea.
(There's that lost word again, I couldn't get rid of it completely.)

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(How about dashes this time, just to mix things up)

I find myself in constant search of this feeling.
It's a damn hard search though, because I don't even know what the feeling is.
All I know is that's what I want, or at least it's what I think I want.
Sometimes I think I've found it, but then I convince myself it's not it.
I don't want the search to end, I like to think that the search shouldn't be this short term.
This should be a long, sprawling quest that takes me in a multitude of different directions.

Perhaps it's the search itself that provides the feeling.
Wouldn't that be interesting? A search for a feeling that can only be provided by that very search?
Sounds like I better keep searching if I want to find anything.

Life

This is old, but I thought I'd post it.

In my time I have come to find that to live does not simply mean to breathe, to feel, to have a pulse.
I have felt my blood flow in great haste, my heart beat with unrivaled intensity.
And yet even in such times, I have found myself feeling dead.

That is not to say that I have never felt alive.
I have had my share of highs and lows, periods of heightened senses.
I have embraced the ecstasies of cloud nine, only to come crashing down to ground zero.
I have had fits of passion, sought to leave my imprint on the world.
One that is everlasting; not fleeting, but eternal.

Like an etching into a stone wall, a carving into a mountainside,
Not footprints in the sand, doomed to be swallowed by the tide,
Nor tracks in the snow, soon to be covered up, soon to melt away, or soon to blend in with the tracks others have left behind. Sometimes it can be difficult to find which tracks are your own.

And they say that life is like laying the tracks down in front of a train moving at high speed.
But maybe it is best to stop laying the tracks down.
Yes, yes, that is the truth of it.
I say life only begins when the train has veered off course.
Life can start once you stop trying to live.

The river's current is unpredictable, and yet the river endlessly flows as one.
It is both its beginning and its destination all at once,
Much like my life is already all it will ever be.
One must simply let life live itself.
Like a dog that knows the way home,
My life already knows the path to take, Correcting its course even as I alter its directions.

It is the path of that hopeless grain of sand that was swept into the ocean.
It is hidden beneath the surface and yet constantly in motion.
It cannot see what lies above, it has no view of the horizon.
But I have faith that it will get there.

So when does it all end?
When does this Life stop?
When do I die?

I have felt dead before, perhaps I already have died.
My cells have grown, multiplied, but then withered and died themselves.
This cycle has repeated itself.
I have shed my skin many times over, and yet I have maintained identity.
Like a tree that casts off its leaves as the chill of winter sets in, only to return to life as springs sends its whispers through the forest.

And so I have not died, nor will I ever.

In my future I see no permanent peace in heaven, nor damnation in hell.
I do not know what I will see.
As of now I expect to see nothing or not see at all.
Such answers cannot be found, so I have stopped asking the question.

Still, I know I shall obtain my little slice of immortality.
When my pulse ceases, when I flatline, when I "die," I know that whether I am conscious of it or unaware,

I will still be living.

Thoughts are Free

Thoughts are free, and it's a damn good thing too.
I couldn't afford to pay for all of the ideas that develop in my head.
(I suppose I pay for them in other ways though.)

Thinking is my addiction, I am always in need of a fix.
Yet I never give myself enough time between them.
It's a constant high that I maintain, depend on really.

It's funny how this lack of sobriety gives me clarity.
At least that's what I try to obtain, anyway.
Always searching, always trying to understand things on a different level.

I'm an analyst; I analyze everything, every situation.
Perhaps too much, sometimes I feel like I'm looking for things that aren't really there.
I guess I won't know for sure until I find them, I like to think that I will.

But perhaps I won't; if so, that's okay too.
In fact, that may even be the more appealing outcome.
What a drag it would be for this search for truth and understanding to come to an end.

What would I do then? What would I have left to contemplate?
I suppose I could steal the thoughts of others.
That wouldn't be so hard, seeing as how they are free and all...

Now that's something to think about.

Time to stop before I run out of things to say.